Roachmill Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot of his head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuckleJoannie Posted June 15, 2007 Report Share Posted June 15, 2007 A charity realised that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through our charity?" The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbles, "Uh, no." "Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off. "Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea." The lawyer then says "... and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
humptygrumpty Posted June 18, 2007 Report Share Posted June 18, 2007 Michaelo barrymore has been found dead , with his bum caked in chocolate......... Police have arrested george michael on suspicion of being careless with a wispa !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
humptygrumpty Posted June 18, 2007 Report Share Posted June 18, 2007 -------------------------What do you call a dog with no hind legs and iron balls? Sparky. --------------------------"In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity fromemployees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained throughour program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If youfeel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, pleasesee your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of theS.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you getall the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Employees who dont take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go toEMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T). Since our supervisors tookS.H.I.T before they were promoted, they dont have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may beinterested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASICUNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONALRESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manageM.O.R.E. S.H.I.T If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to a few people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already hadtheir fill of S.H.I.T Thank you for your time. Sincerely, The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.(TheD.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)." Oh man thats a good een !!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewenutz Posted June 19, 2007 Report Share Posted June 19, 2007 Q. whit did Jesus say ta da Foula folk afore he left?A. Don't do anything till i come back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 I don't worry about my health. I have an Uncle who has sex at 83!Mind you, he lives at Number 79. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twerto Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 Q. whit did Jesus say ta da Foula folk afore he left?A. Don't do anything till i come back. lol so true Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamnSaxon Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 Well, it amused me: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/06/20/man_diagnosed_with_heavy_metal/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marjolein Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 Where do bees get milk from? A boobee! HA HA HA HA HA HA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassermaet Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 A man behind the counter of an ice cream van was found dead this morning, covered in ice cream, cream, chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands. There are no suspicious circumstances as the police believe the man topped himself. (You can also tell this joke with a pizza variation) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 22, 2007 Report Share Posted June 22, 2007 FW: The Lancashire Lass Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given theirnew wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it tooka couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and allthe dishes were cleaned and put away. James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had givenhis new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He toldthem the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there wasa huge meal on the table. Billy said the he had married a Lancashire lass. He boasted that the dutieshe had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said thefirst day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, loadthe dishwasher and call a landscaper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 22, 2007 Report Share Posted June 22, 2007 Prime Minister Tony Blair on his l - o - n - g goodbye tour of the entire world, was visiting a primary school and he went into one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted June 22, 2007 Report Share Posted June 22, 2007 Shetland Police have started a new department. It is to be knowing as The Fast Action Response Team. Just phone and ask for The F.A.R.T. Department Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 24, 2007 Report Share Posted June 24, 2007 Q) Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet? A) Because he was looking for Pooh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 24, 2007 Report Share Posted June 24, 2007 A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?" The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!" The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me." The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?" The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!" The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again." The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!" The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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