Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[tlady]

^^

 

Lol But you'll have to find me the excuse for B.A.C.A.R.D.I.

[KOYAANISQATSI]

Brain Always Cabbaged Alcoholic Rendered Drunk Indoors

[DamnSaxon]

Now here's a nice little story. Ghostrider should love this.

http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/10/29/neighborhoodHazardorWhyTheCopsWontPatrolBriceStreet.html

[Malcolm]

A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.

 

The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

 

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

 

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

 

“What’s the matter hun?†asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?â€

 

“No,†replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.â€

[Para Handy]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

 

 

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

 

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

 

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

 

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

 

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

 

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

 

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

 

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

 

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

 

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

 

A: "Yes sir, I do."

 

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

 

A: "Yes sir."

 

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

 

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

 

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[Lerwick Street]

This is an old one but it still makes me laugh every time:

 

Man goes into a chemists and says 'I'd like to buy some deodorant please'

Assistant: 'Certainly sir, would that be the ball type or the aerosol type'

Customer: 'No, the underarm type'

[Fjool]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

 

Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!

Love,

Fred

 

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Fred

[Heimdal]

Top this for a speeding ticket...

 

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 500 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

 

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

 

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply :-

 

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

 

Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..."

[Malcolm]

One day in the jungle...

 

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.

 

The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

 

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

 

First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

 

"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."

 

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

 

"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."

 

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

 

"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."

 

"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.

 

"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.

 

"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.

 

"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"

[Malcolm]

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We

felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon.

 

The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to

work on a tree across the street.

 

He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him,

yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"

[Malcolm]

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car

and started it up.

 

`After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window

and tapped lightly.

 

The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face

there!"

 

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.

 

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his

wits, said, "What do you want?"

 

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

 

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it,"

to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

 

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

 

The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the

speedometer says we're doing 80 now."

 

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man

reappeared.

 

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.

 

He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

 

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

 

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

 

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they

had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more

tapping.

 

"Oh my God! He's back!"

 

The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

 

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

[Malcolm]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... a

coke" The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?" The bear says,

"I've had them all my life."

[Malcolm]

Young Pauly called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just

met the woman of his dreams and wanted to know what he should do next.

 

His mother suggested, "Why don't you invite her to your place for a

home-cooked meal?"

 

He thought this was a great idea and arranged a date for the next

weekend. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things

had gone. He moaned, "Oh, mom, the evening was a complete disaster."

 

His mother said, "Why, didn't she come over?"

 

Pauly: "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook!"

[Malcolm]

Prison or Work ? hmmmmmmm.

 

 

Prison

 

You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

 

 

Work

 

You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

 

 

 

 

 

Prison

 

You get three meals a day fully paid for

 

 

Work

 

You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

 

 

 

 

 

Prison

 

You get time off for good behavior

 

 

Work

 

You get more work for good behavior

 

 

 

 

 

Prison

 

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

 

 

Work

 

You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

 

 

 

 

 

Prison

 

You can watch TV and play games

 

 

Work

 

You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

 

 

 

 

 

Prison

 

You get your own toilet

 

 

Work

 

You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

 

 

 

 

 

Prison

 

They allow your family and friends to visit

 

 

Work

 

You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

 

 

 

 

 

Prison

 

All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

 

 

Work

 

You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners, and welfare

 

 

 

 

 

Prison

 

You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

 

 

Work

 

You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

 

 

 

 

 

Prison

 

You must deal with sadistic wardens

 

 

Work

 

They are called managers

 

 

 

 

 

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

[Medziotojas]

Yeah, I've worked at both o them fish factories. ...and now the work's sh*ttier, and the money's less. Used to get double time on a Sunday, but from the Shetland Times I see it's a set rate now. The Sweaty Snatch is £6 per hour, and the minimun wage is £5.85 or there abouts. Way to go